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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25623523">Starving To Be Empty</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesuga/pseuds/sunshinesuga'>sunshinesuga</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Eating Disorders, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read Oops, Self-Esteem Issues, please watch out for additional tws at the beginning of chapters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:20:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,087</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25623523</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesuga/pseuds/sunshinesuga</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This fic is based off the song 'Starving To Be Empty' by Dayseeker.</p><p>Kenma struggles with disordered eating along side the self discovery that he is in love with his best friend.</p><p>(For the record, my intention isn't to romanticize eating disorders or self injury, but I think it's important to represent it accurately enough. This is written with my personal experience with eating disorders and such, so please be mindful when you read and take note of the trigger warnings. Writing about this is my coping mechanism, so please be mindful of your own limits. My concern lies with the mental health of all of you, and I'd rather you be safe than to have reads. Take care of yourselves. &lt;3)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, mentioned Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I Can Go A Little Bit Longer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>****WARNING****</p><p>Explicit detail about eating disorders and panic attacks. If you are uncomfortable with detailed depictions, ctrl + f from "He could feel the tightness in his chest..." and skip to "Kenma, don't apologize.."</p><p>Reader discretion is advised.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>180.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>250.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>300.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>450.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>650.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>780.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Stop.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma knew he had to eat </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, at least for Kuroo. He didn’t want to make Kuroo worry, but he felt repulsed by everything he put in his mouth. He wishes he could be like the rest of the team, tall, muscular, </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was currently staring blankly at his phone screen, sitting on Kuroo’s bed with his back to the wall. Since they were young, they’ve been each other’s everything. Kenma likes to think of Kuroo as home, his comfort. They were best friends after all. Or maybe they were more than friends, Kuroo’s teammates always ask if they’re in a relationship because of how close they are, but both of them laugh it off. He never really thought about it, but normal friends usually don’t cuddle and hug all the time. Nor do they give each other nicknames like </span>
  <em>
    <span>kitten. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Thinking more about it, Kenma’s curiosity grew, as he never really put any thought towards his feelings for Kuroo. He was then brought out of his thoughts with the sound of Kuroo’s voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You ready to go?” The raven-haired boy stuck his head through the door, seeing Kenma’s small frame curled up on his bed. Kenma nodded and stood up, grabbing his bag. Kuroo draped his arm around the smaller boy’s shoulders.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been more quiet than usual today, you okay?” Kuroo’s voice was soft but full of care. Kenma just smiled and nodded to avoid any further questions. It was late afternoon, and Kenma had forced himself to eat something for lunch so he wouldn’t pass out when he played volleyball with Kuroo. They were both out of high school now, but Kuroo continued to play volleyball and Kenma didn’t. However, Kenma did still practice with Kuroo and his team. Kuroo wishes he would still play volleyball with him, but he knew Kenma only played in high school for him. He wouldn’t want him to feel obligated to keep playing for him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Since high school, Kenma has struggled with disordered eating. He’s felt bad about himself for years, but everything got worse when people started making comments about his appearance compared to the rest of his volleyball team. Kenma was very strategic, but he was starting to push his limits on how little would suffice for practice. Kuroo knew Kenma was introverted and very secluded, but he also knew when something was bothering him. He decided not to ask anything else, figuring Kenma just didn’t get enough sleep. The two boys head to practice, their usual routine every other day. Kenma couldn’t stop thinking about the realization that he doesn’t know what he and Kuroo are. He put it off to the back of his mind and left it alone so he could help Kuroo at practice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p><span>“Hey kitten, the guys wanted to know if we wanted to get a late dinner with them once we clean up the gym.” Kuroo nudges Kenma’s side while rubbing a towel over his sweaty face. Kenma could feel the color draining from his face. </span><em><span>But he had already reached his limit for today.</span></em> <em><span>What was he going to tell him? “No, sorry, I can’t because I’m physically repulsed by even the mention of food.” He couldn’t do that, he had to come up with an excuse.</span></em></p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A...Actually, I’m kinda tired… maybe another time?” Kenma muttered, guilt flooding his mind. Kuroo took the hint and patted his shoulder before walking back over to his teammates. Kenma grabbed his bag and went to change in the locker room. He always tried to change before anyone else, so he could avoid unwanted attention. While he was pulling his shirt over his head, Kuroo walked in behind him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is that a new shirt? I could have swore you’ve had that shirt for a while, but it looks huge on you.” Kuroo leans his back against the lockers, looking down at a flustered Kenma, who quickly pulled down his shirt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn, I guess my clothes have been fitting a little bit looser, obviously enough for Kuroo to notice.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, I’ve had it, I guess it’s just stretched out now.” Kenma shrugs nonchalantly and finishes putting his things in his bag. He sits on the bench and looks at his phone while Kuroo changes. He catches a glimpse of Kuroo’s toned body, and his face falls. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He wishes he looked like that.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Do you wanna stay over tonight? We can play Mario Kart or something.” Kuroo grabs his own bag before motioning for Kenma to follow him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure it’s okay for me to stay over so often? I don’t want to overstay my welcome..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuroo laughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve been saying the same thing since we were little, and I’ll keep telling you, you’ll never overstay your welcome. Plus, Bokuto is leaving on a trip with Akaashi so I’ll have the apartment to myself.” Kuroo picks up Kenma’s bag and they both walk out of the gym. Kenma has tried to tell Kuroo that he can carry his own bag, but every time Kuroo carries it anyway.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I’ll stay over tonight then.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was nearing midnight, and Kenma had just gotten out of the shower and was looking at himself in the mirror. He noticed how his ribs show a little clearer than they did last week. His gaze moves to the fading red lines across the top of his thighs and his hips. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He could barely recognize himself in the mirror, despite physically having not changed much…</span>
  </em>
  <span> He’s startled when he hears a knock at the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you done in there? I hope you didn’t use all the hot water.” Kuroo announced from outside of the door. Kenma quickly gets dressed and dries his hair the best he can with a towel before unlocking the door and stepping out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, it felt really good.” Kenma chuckled softly before moving past his best friend to sit on the couch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be out in a few, you know you’re welcome to anything in the kitchen, you know where everything is.” Kuroo waves his hand towards the kitchen and closes the door. Kenma thought about the last time he ate something. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This morning, he had toast and a rice ball at lunch. It technically was a new day and it's been a while.. No. I can go a little bit longer, just long enough so Kuroo doesn’t notice.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He felt bad about keeping so many secrets from his best friend, as they told each other everything. Kenma sighed and set up the switch in the living room for when Kuroo was finished. After a few minutes, his dark haired counterpart joined him on the couch. Kuroo turned his body towards the smaller boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You missed a couple sets today, what’s going on? You never miss sets.” Kuroo rests his chin on his hand which was propped up on the back of the couch. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn. He’s so observant.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Kenma loved and hated that Kuroo could read him like a book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing, like I said I was just tired today. Sorry, I won’t miss them next time.” Kenma picks at his fingers, avoiding his friend’s gaze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not worried about the sets, Kenma, I’m worried about you.” Kuroo swatted his hands to stop him, Kenma had a bad habit of picking at his fingers when he was nervous. Kenma looked up to meet his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Kuroo. I swear. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. I’ll be okay.” Kenma smiled softly and Kuroo’s expression softened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay, just remember that you can tell me anything. I’m always here for you.” Kuroo ruffled Kenma’s damp hair, causing Kenma’s face to scrunch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know, thank you. I set up the switch, so we can play Mario Kart if you want, but you know I’ll win.” Kenma chuckled and nudged his friend, handing him a controller.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll see about that one, kitten. I’ve been practicing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mhm, we’ll see..”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was nearing 3 am and Kenma had fallen asleep with his head on Kuroo’s shoulder. They were watching reruns of an old show. Kuroo noticed that Kenma was asleep so he carefully slid his arms under his legs and picked him up. He walked to his bedroom and placed him gently on the bed. Kuroo then went and turned off the lights before joining his friend on his queen bed. He admired the sleeping boy for a few minutes, so peaceful. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kuroo knew about Kenma’s mental health issues, but he didn’t know the full extent and was afraid he would overstep boundaries if he asked. Kenma has dealt with depression and anxiety since they were kids, and apparently it was worse before they met. When they both met in their neighborhood, Kuroo was a lot more shy than Kenma was, but over the years the older boy grew out of his shell and opened up. He also watched Kenma open up a little more as they entered high school. Over the years he’s picked up on most of Kenma’s body language and their meanings, but there was still a world inside of Kenma’s head that was untouched by him. Kuroo moved a strand of hair out of the sleeping boy’s face before turning away and falling asleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>~~~~~~</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning, Kuroo awakened to an arm draped across his chest. Kenma must have cuddled closer in his sleep. The natural bed-head gently untangled himself so he could go to the bathroom before entering the kitchen to make breakfast. He figured he’d make Kenma some banana pancakes, his favorite breakfast food when he was younger. He started making the batter, humming softly to himself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma then woke up shortly after Kuroo left the room to the smell of pancakes. Part of him knew they were banana pancakes and grew excited, but that excitement was harshly shut down by the incessant calculator in his head. Everyday, every moment, there’s a war in his head. There’s still a small part of him that wants to be able to enjoy his favorite foods again, but the harmful voice has been overpowering it for a while now. He sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, already getting nervous. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He supposed it would be okay, he’d feel like shit for denying homemade breakfast. Plus, they were his favorite, afterall. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma inhales a shaky breath before letting it out in a sigh. He tosses his legs over the side of the bed and stands up, stretching his limbs. He walks into the kitchen to see Kuroo facing the stove, so he moves closer and rests his forehead on the taller boy’s back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, sleepy head.” Kuroo chuckles gently and finishes the last pancake before putting the dishes away. “I made your favorite.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.” Kenma genuinely smiles when Kuroo turns to look at him. Seeing Kuroo smile back at him made him feel better. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He can do this. For Kuroo.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He took a plate and grabbed a glass of juice before going to sit on the couch. The older boy joined him shortly after, turning the TV on.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you sleep well?” Kuroo gives Kenma some napkins and places his own plate on the table in front of them. “You seem to enjoy stealing my body heat so I would hope you slept well.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, you’re really warm.” Kenma blushes and laughs awkwardly. Ever since last night, Kenma has been thinking more and more about his relationship with Kuroo. He doesn’t know why he gets so flustered and nervous around him all of a sudden, they’ve been friends for years. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Perhaps it was because he wanted to be more than friends, but he knew Kuroo didn’t like him like that.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma stared down at the plate in front of him, unsure if the tightness in his chest or the familiar ache in his stomach felt worse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling alright? You look really pale..” Kuroo observes, watching Kenma stare blankly at the pancakes. Kenma shook his head to bring him out of his thoughts and looked at the boy beside him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry I guess I’m still waking up.” He smiles and picks up the fork from the plate. His hands were shaky, and he slowly poked it into a slice of the pancake before bringing it to his lips.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why are you so hesitant? I promise I didn’t poison them.” The dark haired boy jokes, unaware of the hell that’s going on in his best friend’s head. Kenma chuckles and forces himself to finish at least one pancake. He could feel the tightness in his chest growing more and more constricting, and he was nearly on the verge of tears.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right back, uh, bathroom.” Kenma mutters before getting up and rushing to the bathroom. He closes the door behind him, his breathing becoming erratic. Tears cascaded down his cheeks as he leaned over the sink with his hands in his hair. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He thought he could do it. He thought he could do it for Kuroo, but the bitter, painful reminder that he will never be good enough made it harder. </span>
  </em>
  
  <em>
    <span>It doesn’t help that he forgot to grab his medicine before he came over last night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clutches his chest as he tries to calm himself down. Through the ringing in his ears and his erratic breaths, he couldn’t hear Kuroo open the door. The next thing he knew he felt someone grab his hands and raise them above his head. Kuroo leans down to speak in his ear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Breathe.. You’re okay.. I’m here..” Kuroo coos, holding his friend’s hands on his head. Kenma closes his eyes and starts to control his breathing again, holding his arms over his head makes it easier to breathe. With his other hand, Kuroo was rubbing his back gently. Kuroo had grown accustomed to Kenma’s panic attacks, over the years he’s learned how to help with what to do and what not to do. Once Kenma’s breathing was back to normal, Kuroo let go and looked at his friend in the mirror in front of them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you forget your medicine?” He asks, his voice low as to not startle the smaller boy. Kenma nodded and slowly opened his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Kenma, don’t apologize. It’s okay, everything’s fine. I figured something was wrong when you were staring at those pancakes like they were venomous snakes. C’mon, put on some shoes and I’ll walk with you to your apartment so you can get your meds.” Kuroo squeezes his shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He has to be sick of this, sick of him. Always having to save him, always having to help him. Pathetic. How annoying… </span>
  </em>
  <span>Kenma looks at the taller boy in the reflection of the mirror. Not a trace of annoyance was found, his expression showed nothing but concern. He then looks away and walks out of the bathroom to find his shoes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now isn’t the time..</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two boys make their way to Kenma’s apartment building, which was only a block away. Even now, they don’t live far from each other. Kenma went and grabbed the bottle of his antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s been on SSRI’s since he was 12. Why does it still get so bad?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>~~~~~~~~ </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The two boys had made their way back to Kuroo’s apartment after grabbing a few things from Kenma’s. Kuroo offered to let him stay over more so he doesn’t isolate himself, and to his surprise, Kenma agreed. Though Kenma was feeling better than this morning, the incessant calculator in his head kept nagging him every time that familiar ache creeped back in. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It was okay that he only ate one pancake and had a couple sips of juice, he hadn't reached his limit, but it was also an off day, and he doesn’t exercise with Kuroo outside of practice, so it would bring suspicion if he offered to work out.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kenma was currently sitting on the couch playing a game on his switch while Kuroo had his head in Kenma’s lap and was reading something on his phone. Every now and then Kenma would glance down at the raven-haired boy, and his heart would flutter every time they made eye contact. The realization then hit him, and he frowned. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No, he couldn’t have feelings for his best friend. Maybe it was just because Kuroo was always around? He isn’t sure, but he feels like he craves Kuroo’s presence in his life.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey… Kuro?” Kenma put down his game to look at the boy in his lap. Kuroo directed his attention away from his phone to meet his friend’s gaze.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s up, kitten?” Kuroo smiles. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He has to know why Kuroo stays around. He at least has to have some control over the situation, uncertainty tears him apart.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…uh… can I ask you something?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Falling So Far Away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Damaging thoughts take such a toll on a helpless brain.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>***TRIGGER WARNING***</p>
<p>This chapter has explicit depictions of self harm. If this triggers you, please ctrl+f from "Kenma mutters a 'thanks'..." and skip to "K..Kuroo? Why are you calling?"</p>
<p>PLEASE be mindful of your own well being. Again I am writing this from my personal experience. If you or someone you love is in need of help, here are some hotlines:<br/>Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255<br/>Self Harm Crisis Text Line: 741471</p>
<p>Stay safe, you are loved. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“I… uh… can I ask you something?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course, what’s wrong?” Kuroo asks, raising his eyebrow in curiosity. Kenma picks at his fingers again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you still hang out with me? Why have you stuck around after all these years?” Silence flooded the room before Kuroo sat up to look his best friend in the face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you serious? Kenma you’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I hang out with you?” Kuroo started, furrowing his brows. “Why are you even asking me that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…. I dunno, I guess I just get in my head sometimes that you think I’m annoying and you only stay around out of pity… I just don’t see how someone like you could-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t even finish that sentence. Do you actually think I feel that way? Do I seem like the kind of person to stick around out of pity?” The dark-haired boy was growing agitated, mostly out of hurt. Kenma avoided his gaze and stared at his hands. He was biting the inside of his cheek to keep from letting his emotions take control again. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is he getting mad at him?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.. I’m sorry, I've just been out of it recently..” Kenma wanted to cut the conversation short, he didn’t feel like crying in front of Kuroo. To his resistance, Kuroo lifted his chin to meet his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve stuck around all these years because you’re my best friend. You’re the person I can tell everything to without judgement, the person I can see everyday without growing tired of them. The person I share the most laughs with. The only ‘annoying’ thing about you is how you constantly doubt yourself. You’re so much better than that.” Kuroo didn’t break eye contact once, he wanted to make it clear that his words were sincere. A silence fell between them and before either of them knew what was happening Kuroo had leaned in close. Kenma could feel his breath on his cheeks. Kuroo closed the gap between them, kissing Kenma slowly. After a moment Kuroo backed away to look at the smaller boy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What was that?” Kenma whispered as a deep crimson flooded his cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, that was the only thing I could think of at the moment.” Kuroo also blushed and scratched the back of his neck. “I meant it, though.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kenma just sat in silence for a moment, processing what had just happened. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Does this mean he feels the same?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, I’m sorry for asking.” Kenma smiled softly and turned back to his game. Kuroo sighed and rested his head on the smaller boy’s shoulder, watching him play.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d never hang out with someone out of pity, you know. I’d never hurt you like that. That’s just cruel.” Kenma just hummed in acknowledgement, immersed in his game again. Kuroo wishes Kenma knew how much he means to him, but just like Kenma, his own feelings scare him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~~~~~~~~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The next day the two boys prepare to go to practice again. Kenma had forgotten and only ate half an apple and drank some water, but he figured he’d be fine. They hadn’t talked about what happened the night before since it happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, I have this big chemistry midterm coming up soon. Why did I decide to go to college?” Kuroo jokes, grabbing his bag by the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you’re a nerd and you still wanted to play volleyball.” Kenma stated matter-of-factly. He pulls on his shoes and waits for Kuroo by the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish you’d still play volleyball with me, ya know. You were the best setter Nekoma had, with your strategic brain.” Kuroo smiles and pats Kenma’s head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I do still play with you, just not officially. That would require me to go to college.” Kenma snorted and shook his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He had spent the entire night working up the courage to face his own feelings. He was in love with his best friend. Today he felt confident because he was empty. He was in control. He was hoping to finally ask after practice tonight.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, I just miss playing games with you, is all.” Kuroo shrugs and opens the door for the smaller boy to walk through. Kenma didn’t say anything as the two began their journey to the gym. Walking beside Kuroo made him feel safe, even if it was just a short walk. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He wanted to hold his hand, but he refused.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>~~~~~~~</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The two boys were more in sync than usual during practice, and for Kenma it felt right. Ever since Kuroo kissed him and he came to terms with his love for his best friend, they seemed to be closer, or the smaller things started to mean more. However, towards the end Kenma kept getting really light-headed and dizzy. He knew why, but he blamed it on dehydration and forced himself to drink more water. At one point the smaller boy nearly collapsed and Kuroo realized something was wrong, so he cut practice short.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, are you alright?” Kuroo slides his arm around Kenma’s waist to keep him upright. Kenma stands up straight and nods to ease his friend’s concern.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry, I guess I should have drank more water before practice.” Kenma smiles apologetically. Black spots were dancing across his vision as Kuroo looked at him for a moment but then shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, if you wanna go ahead and get changed I’ll finish cleaning up here.” Kuroo pats his shoulder and walks away to help the team clean up the gym. Kenma smiles as he walks into the locker room to change back into his regular clothes. He finally had his hopes up, he knew Kuroo cared about him. He still felt confident, so he finished up and grabbed his things before walking back out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he comes back into the gym, he sees Kuroo talking to a girl whose back is facing Kenma. Kuroo was laughing with his arms behind his head. Kenma’s stomach dropped as he saw his best friend smile so genuinely. He’s close enough to hear the girl speak.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So do you want to come over tomorrow? My parents won’t be home so we could have the house to ourselves… for studying of course.” The girl twirls her hair and leans into Kuroo as she shamelessly flirts, which makes him blush. Kenma’s heart fell with his face as angry confusion filled his mind</span>
  <em>
    <span>.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He was too caught up in his thoughts to hear his response.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I appreciate the offer, but I actually already have plans. I can help you study after class tomorrow?” Kuroo scratched the back of his neck awkwardly as he moved away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aw, okay. Dang! I just remembered I forgot a jacket and it’s chilly out…” The girl sighed dramatically and Kuroo laughed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Here, take my sweater. Don’t forget next time.” Kuroo pressed a friendly pat to the girl’s head. “Well, I guess I’ll see you in class tomorrow, Rinako-san.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kuroo gave an awkward side hug to the girl and walked away to meet his friend at the door of the locker room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Give me a minute to change and we can get out of here, okay?” Kenma stays silent as he follows his friend and stops at the door. He had to concentrate on not letting his emotions get the best of him, even though it hurt like </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Every time he gets his hopes up in any way, they’re always shut down with harsh reality. He’ll never be good enough for anyone, especially himself. He felt so foolish for even thinking his best friend would feel that way towards him. Of course he wouldn’t, who would want to be with someone as stupid, ugly, and worthless as him? Rinako-san was so pretty and nice, also a much, much better person for Kuroo. He couldn’t stay with Kuroo tonight, he couldn’t face the truth and embarrass himself in front of his friend.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kenma?” The boy was brought out of his damaging thoughts when he felt a weight against his shoulder. He hadn’t realized Kuroo had come back out and asked him a question.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.. Sorry. Hey… uh… I think I’m gonna stay home tonight. I.. um… have some things I need to do.” Kenma stares at the ground and lets his hair fall in his face, refusing to look at the taller boy in front of him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, okay. Are you sure? Is something wrong?” Kuroo presses on, seeing how uncomfortable Kenma had become.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and no nothing’s wrong, I just have some stuff I need to do..” The smaller boy starts walking towards the exit, refusing to make eye contact. Kuroo decided to drop it, knowing if he pressed on too much he’d probably be digging his own grave.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The two boys walk in silence until they reach Kenma’s apartment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t have to walk me home…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure I did, I wanted to make sure you got here safe.” Kuroo smiles in hopes to raise his friend’s spirits, but to no avail. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He was hoping to spend the night with his friend, especially since he blew off Rinako-san. He wishes Kenma wouldn’t block himself out like this, he wanted to be there for him. He wanted to make him happy, but he knows Kenma isn’t interested in that.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kenma mutters a ‘thanks’ and half hugs Kuroo before walking inside and closing the door behind him. He listens as he hears his friend walk away before he breaks. A small sob escapes his lips as he slides down the wall beside the door, hands clasped over his lips. He squeezes his hands over his eyes as he cries.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Stupid… stupid… stupid…” He whispers harshly as he tugs on his hair. He didn’t have neighbors, he was at the end of the hall and nobody lived beside him. The people below might have heard him crying, but he didn’t care. After a while he got up and locked himself in the bathroom. The disgust, regret, shame, and anger he had swirling in his system took over at that moment. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and another broken sob escapes his lips. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fucking repulsive, ugly, worthless. Nobody will ever love you, you can’t even love yourself. He was spiraling and wasn’t sure how far he’d sink this time.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kenma’s brain had shut down and he was acting purely on impulse. All of this pent up emotion had been boiling for a long time, and it was finally spilling over the top. He reached into the bottom cabinet behind various bottles of cleaning products to find a small coin wallet. What a wretched relief he felt when he opened it to see the tempting silver. Hee tugged down his shorts and pulled out one of the small blades. Without thinking, he continuously brought the silver to his roughened, pale skin. When he finally came back to himself, he looked down at the carnage he left on the top of his thighs, watching as drops of red bubbled up across angry lines.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit…” The boy mumbles, reaching for a paper towel. He stares at the blood starting to pool and stream down his leg for a moment before wetting the paper towel and pressing it to the fresh wounds. As the cool, damp paper towel met his flushed, broken skin, he hissed slightly. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his phone start to ring on the counter. With shaky hands, he fumbled around with the phone before seeing it was Kuroo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“K..Kuroo? Why are you calling?” Kenma tries to keep his voice as steady as possible to not alarm his best friend.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.. Can I come over? I know you said you had things to do but you were acting really weird and I wanted to talk to you about something..” Kuroo’s voice wasn’t his usual calm, suave tone, he sounded nervous. Silence flooded the line. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kuroo was the last person Kenma wanted to see right now, he didn’t want Kuroo to see how much of a mess he made of himself. He thought for a while.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure. My apartment’s a mess though so I’m-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kenma it’s okay, I was just there the other day. I’ll be there in 10.” His friend seemed rushed, almost eager as he hung up. Kenma started to panic, he hurried to clean up the mess in the bathroom, put everything back in its place, and attempted to clean up at least a little bit. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He hated how messy he got when he was in a low spot.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once he was finished, he pulled on some sweatpants, sat on the couch, and played a game on his switch while he waited for Kuroo. He was nervous, to say the least. He had no idea what Kuroo wanted to talk about, and his nerves were shot after the meltdown he had in the bathroom. There was a soft knock on the door before it started to open. Kenma always told Kuroo he didn’t have to knock.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey..” Kenma smiles softly at the raven-haired boy. He returned the smile and sat down next to Kenma.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey.. Did you get those things done?” Kuroo rested his head on his propped-up hand. Kenma furrowed his brows but then nodded, remembering his excuse from earlier.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.. yeah I did. I meant to clean up but then you called.. What did you want to talk about?” Kenma pulls his knees to his chest and rests his head on his arms that were wrapped around them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need your help, it’s about Rinako-san.” Kuroo scratches his head and looks at Kenma. Kenma had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I dunno why you’d ask me, not like I’m any good at it.” Kenma mumbles, picking at his fingers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Anyways she wants to hang out tomorrow and I don’t know how to tell her I only wanted to help her pass chemistry, but she is obviously into me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why is that such a bad thing? She’s pretty and really nice.” Kenma looks at Kuroo, slightly annoyed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m more focused on volleyball and school.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Really? You have a girl like that after you and you still choose volleyball? You have to find someone to make you happy eventually.” Kenma started to raise his voice. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He doesn’t understand why Kuroo isn’t taking this chance, he could have swore he was into her, the way he was laughing.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you so worried about me finding someone to make me happy? Is it wrong that I’m passionate about volleyball?” Kuroo also didn’t understand why Kenma was so defensive.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Kuroo, you have someone willing to make time for you and who is genuinely interested in you who could also be </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span> for you, but you still reject her. I don’t understand.” Kenma stood up, starting to get frustrated.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you so concerned about whether or not someone is good for me? I already told you I’m not interested in her like that. Stop walking away.” Kuroo stood up after him, following him to his bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why not? You deserve to be happy, but you turn down every girl who’s ever shown interest in you. You could have anyone you wanted but yet you choose not to pursue anyone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I’m not interested in them! Out of all people I thought you’d back me up on this, I really don’t understand why you’re so defensive. Plus, I got you! You’re my best friend and I love hanging out with you. And are we not going to talk about what happened?” Kuroo kept beating around the bush with his feelings.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why would you ever kiss me?! Rinako-san is </span>
  <em>
    <span>much</span>
  </em>
  <span> prettier and you obviously have some sort of connection with her!” Tears started to stream down Kenma’s face again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you talking about? What connection? I just help her with chemistry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You gave her your sweater Kuroo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just a sweater, would you rather me not be kind? She would have froze outside.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was my favorite sweater, Kuroo. And I doubt you’ll get it back.” Kenma sighs, realizing how dramatic and exhausting this situation was becoming.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you really this bothered over the sweater? Why are you so upset?” Kuroo is at a loss, seeing his friend in so much distress over something he can’t pinpoint worries him. Kenma stared at him, fists clenched by his sides. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s now or never.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because Tetsurou,” he started, breath shaky and unsteady, “I’m in love with you, okay? Fuck and I know this is going to fuck everything up but I can’t help it anymore, I’m in love with you but you deserve someone who can make you happy and who is mentally stable and isn’t disgusting and useless. You deserve someone who--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Kuroo raised his hand to stop him, face twisted in an expression Kenma can’t quite read. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s the first time he’s ever used Kuroo’s given name, in the entire ten years they’ve known each other.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He steps closer and rests his hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. His face then hardens in hurt.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you really think that way about yourself?” His voice is barely audible, still processing the confession just made. Kenma bites his lip and looks away, violently wiping his face. Kuroo just grabbed his hands but Kenma yanked them back in protest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I.. maybe you…. Maybe you should go..” He refused to meet the gaze of his taller counterpart, already filled with shame, guilt, and so much embarrassment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” Was all Kuroo answered, earning a shocked glare from Kenma. Kuroo brought his hand up to wipe away the stray tears on Kenma’s cheeks. “You don’t get to push me away this time.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, Kuroo. I’d rather be alone right now--” Kenma’s words were cut short from Kuroo’s lips on his. He was flooded with confusion and was still angry at himself, but was now too exhausted to deal with it, so he melted into the kiss. Kuroo wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, pulling him close.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not leaving, because I love you.” Kuroo met Kenma’s gaze with so much sincerity, Kenma had to look away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The reason I’ve turned down everyone that’s ever been interested in me was because I was already interested in someone, and that someone is you. Kenma, I’ve loved you since we were 15. I had no idea you felt the same, or else I would have acted on it by now. I thought you weren’t interested in dating or in relationships in general.” Kuroo tucked Kenma’s hair behind his ear as he cradled his face. Kenma just looked at him, stunned. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Was this really happening?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You…. you mean it?” Kenma looked at Kuroo like a deer in headlights. The fear and anxiety written on his face made Kuroo’s heart wrench.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I mean it, kitten. I’d never lie to you.” Kenma was still skeptical. He couldn’t believe someone like Kuroo would love someone like him. It didn’t seem plausible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just… I need some time, okay? I haven’t been in the best mindset recently… I don’t want to drag you down..” Kenma tugged at the hem of his shirt, wishing it covered his body completely.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll wait for you. I’ve waited this long, a little longer won’t hurt.” Kuroo smiled at him, pulling him into a hug. Kenma sighed and hugged back. He felt at home with Kuroo, but he was in a war against himself. After a moment, Kenma spoke up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Want to see my new villagers on animal crossing?” He smiled softly and Kuroo nodded, chuckling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I do.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, please don't be hateful! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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